Happy Mother's Day to my Mom

Tomorrow will be a bittersweet day. For me personally, it will be my second Mother’s Day to celebrate being a mom but also my first Mother’s Day without my own mom here.

I truly miss her everyday and think of her all of the time. It still makes me very sad that my mom is not here, but I think I did a lot of upfront grieving since she had been drastically deteriorating from the mom I once knew. I cried for her all of the time. The year before she passed was very difficult for her and hard on all of us, especially my Dad. It got to the point where she didn’t know my name anymore and couldn’t do anything for herself. It’s not fair. She didn’t deserve any of it. She used to be so vibrant and full of life. I could talk to her about anything and she was always supportive of everything I wanted to do. Why did this have to happen to her? I would give anything to have my mom here and be back to how she was. In the end, she did pass peacefully and without pain – to a better place where she's once again the wonderful spirit that she was before her problems began.

Of course I am VERY thankful that my mom was able to attend my wedding and that she could come to the hospital when Leah was born but I still I feel like I got jipped. She couldn’t help me plan the most important day of my life - my wedding. I didn’t have a mom that could help me find the perfect wedding dress (luckily my fabulous sister-in-law was able to fill in). My mom wasn’t able to teach me how to be a mom to my new baby when I had no idea what I was doing. I had to figure it out all on my own. For years, she had always talked that those were the things she was looking forward to the most – me getting married and me having children. She always said that if I had a baby she would watch him/her while I worked. My mom would have given anything to see her grandchildren grow up. I think the part that makes me the most upset is that Leah never truly got to know her grandmother. My mom never had the opportunity to be a grandma to her or do any of the things that a grandma is supposed to do with their granddaughter. Leah will never be spoiled by her grandma. All little girls deserve to have a grandma – to bake cookies with, have sleepovers and share their special time. Leah will never know (firsthand) what a great person my mom was. It is my job to keep my mom’s memory alive and share all of the great stories of her with Leah (and any future children I may have). Whenever we talk about “Grandma” we point to heaven and tell Leah that’s where her grandma is.

Here is a short story that I may have shared with a few of you. On St. Patrick’s Day, Leah and I went to the cemetery to visit my mom. Leah sat quietly in her car seat as we drove down the narrow road of the cemetery to my mom’s grave. As soon as we got out of the car and started the short walk to my mom’s gravesite, Leah started smiling and arching her back excitedly. She then began waving frantically at the ground. Leah does not typically wave at the ground so it was kind of bizarre. It was actually the first time I had taken her to my mom’s grave. (She has always sat in the car when we’ve gone in the past). I am truly convinced that Leah saw her Grandma and was very excited to see her. At the time, it made me cry because it was such a strange reaction from her. Leah looked at me and wiped my tears and gave me a hug. It was pretty darn sweet.

I want to wish my mom a Happy Mother’s Day and tell her that she is truly missed. On this day think about your own mom and appreciate her for everything she is! I hope everyone can enjoy their time with their families!
Lori